Done with being pregnant!!!! So I'm starting a new journal.
Thanks girls for all your support. I can't wait for all your babies to be born.
I guess I'll start with the birth...
I was supposed to be induced Tues, 7/12, at 41 wks pregnant. However, at about 10 pm Mon night I got a phone call from the midwife- the hospital lost my paperwork and I wouldn't get to be induced until Wed. I was very, very disappointed, but finally Wednesday came, and we woke up at 4 am to get to the hospital. Here's me in bed, still very comfortable!
They started Pitocin around 5:30 am. It took about an hour to really get the strong contractions going, but when they did they took right off. I had originally hoped for a natural birth, so I knew some techniques and it did help to concentrate and be quiet through the contractions, not thinking of them as painful but instead "intense", and breathing through them. This worked for a long time. Jim basically slept in the chair while I sat up in bed.
Around 11 they started to become painful- there was no fooling myself that they were just strong. I tried walking, leaning over the bed rocking my hips, etc, but I had only slept 2.5 hrs the night before and I was exhausted already. My midwife came in, checked my cervix- 5 cm- and showed Jim how to put counterpressure on my back, and she really encouraged me to try and stick with it with no drugs, but by that point I knew I couldn't do it. I had done 6.5 hrs with no meds, but I was on the verge of crying. So I went for the epidural.
The epidural looks very scary on TV with that huge needle but seriously I could not have cared less at that point. It did suck having the feeling of a bee sting at the same time as having a contraction and not even being able to move, but very quickly afterwards I was numb from the chest down and I felt so sleepy and druggy for about 30 minutes. Then I became more alert again and just rested through the contrax.
About 2.5 hrs later, the nurses started noticing the baby's heartrate decellerating after each contraction. That was the only time during labor that I felt fear. So they called in a midwife because mine was downstairs delivering someone else.
The midwife I didn't know came in and decided to check and see how far along I was. She reached up for about two seconds and said "Complete."
What??!! I went from 5 to 10 in like 2.5 hrs. Awesome. So they called up my midwife, and it was time to start pushing.
It is impossible to imagine unless you've given birth, but to try and push when you can't even feel anything is so difficult. It's like you're pushing into your face instead of your butt like you're supposed to.
By that time the Pitocin had been turned off (they turned it off when the baby showed signs of stress) and my body had taken over, so we had to wait for each contraction and they weren't that close together, maybe every 5 minutes, and they weren't that strong either. I felt like I had to intentionally do most of the work, my body wasn't really pushing the baby out itself.
I pushed for three hours. It was the shortest three hours of my life though. Finally the midwife said "When the head comes out, don't push anymore so I can suction." The ped.'s were called up because of a question of meconium (the midwife who told me I was complete had thought there *might* be some meconium).
So the head came out and I tried to stop, but the baby slid out on her own! There was the most amazing sight of my life- you see it on TV, you imagine it in your mind, but until there is suddenly a baby in the room who wasn't there just a moment before- the feeling of awe and love that fills your heart and soul just can't be described. She opened her eyes and let out the cutest little cry. I'll never forget that sight. There was a lot of commotion going on because of the meconium possibility, so no one told me what she was right away. The midwife was just holding her there right in front of me and I kept saying "What is it? What is it?" and finally I think Jim got a better look and said "Girl!" and I remember saying "Girl? Jessica?" and crying from pure happiness.
Then, quickly, the cord was cut, the baby was taken into a little room attached to my room, and Jimmy asked if he should stay with me or go with the baby. "Stay with her!" I told him.
At first I wasn't worried because I figured they're just checking for meconium, whatever. But then seconds turned into minutes turned into longer, and I started crying from fear, not joy, and Jimmy was in the other room with her and the pediatricians and I kept asking "Is she okay?" and being mildly reassured but I knew it was taking too long. Then Jimmy came back out and I asked him if she was ok and he said yes, and I aked how much he weighed and he said they were weighing her right now, and I told him go back and be with her, so he did.
Ok this is a blur- I don't know what happened in what order.
I remember being told the baby is being taken to the NICU. I remember being told she has a cleft palate. I remember the placenta coming out. I remember the midwife stitching me up- (5 stitches natural tear) and I remember thinking clearly how much I did not care about the stitches because I just wanted my baby.
I remember saying to Jim, "You told me she was okay!" and him saying, "I didn't know."
I remember a pediatrician who looked like she was 20 yrs old telling me the baby was going downstairs just to be checked and I could come see her later.
I remember them brining me the baby to hold for a minute and I felt how much I love her and how sad I was because they were taking her away. The nurse took Jim's camera and took our picture;
And then they took her away- and I fucking LOST it. I couldn't stop crying. The urge to be with your newborn baby is not a desire- it's an instinct. First of all, I wasn't getting a clear answer on what was wrong with her. Second, I had 2.5 hrs of sleep and 13 hours of labor with 3 of those pushing and I was completely exhausted. My mother came up and found out what was going on and told me the baby was breathing too fast. I was so, so devastated. My baby had just been born and I thought she might die. It was the best and worst moment of my life in one. Nothing anyone said would console me. I looked at Jimmy- and anyone who read my pregnancy journal knows what I mean by this- and said "I told you. I told you." And he just looked so defeated.
I had to wait for them to drain my bladder and take out the epidural before I could go visit her. When the guy was taking the needle out of my back I just collapsed into my mother's arms and sobbed and sobbed. I didn't care about any pain, or anything. I just wanted my baby. We waited in that room for what seemed like eternity, realistically it might have been an hour or an hour and a half, while they did various stuff to me. I cried out in pain for the first time all day when the nurse pushed on my stomach to make more blood come out, and held Jimmy's hand- he told me later how bad he felt for me.
At one point as I sat up in bed with my head in my hands crying my eyes out, suddenly a feeling just came over me- it was like a little voice from deep within me said "She's going to be okay". Instantly I felt better and stopped crying. I looked at my mom and Jim and said, "I know she'll be all right, something just told me." I think Jimmy probably just thought I had lost it by then but I think my mom was like, "Really?"
They put me on the stretcher and wheeled me down to the NICU. They put her in my arms and started telling me what they thought was wrong with her.
I'm not going to get into the details of what they thought at the time because some has been discounted and some I'll get into later. Mostly I was too emotional to absorb much anyways. Jim still hadn't held her so I gave her to him and took the camera and just focused on him holding her while they continued to blab away- they weren't going to ruin that moment for me. He had tears in his eyes.
And I felt much better, I knew she'd be okay, and while it was horrible not to have her with me all night, I was SO EXHAUSTED- I've never felt that level of exhuastion- and bleeding profusely, and barely able to stand, and I went to my room. Jim's mother came, my father and stepmother came, and then finally I went to sleep.
And that was the first night of my baby's life.
